Gay Daddy Blog

It’s been almost a year since I posted anything on here.  Not because there hasn’t been lots to write.  There has!  The problem is that a blog is extremely public, and what’s happened was not for public consumption.

I’m going to be deactivating this blog soon and letting the domain name expire, so let me fill you in on what happened.

First, late last spring a potential birthmother with our agency stumbled across this blog.  She became upset because she felt I was giving away too much information about the various birthmothers our agency works with.  She terminated her relationship with the agency, which in turn trickled down to me in the form of a moderately irate phone call from my social worker.  She was polite in that I had done nothing that violated my contract with the agency, but asked me to tone down the blog as a favor to the agency.  Since we hadn’t yet adopted a child, I felt I had little choice but to comply.  (I was also mortified that I was invading anyone’s privacy and causing problems for the agency so I sanitized a lot of postings on the website to remove identifying details).

Second, as per the last posting I made on July 21 of last year, we were saying tentatively yes to a situation.  I don’t want to go into detail, but the birthmother had a tentative positive result on a troublesome condition that could be passed along to the baby (20-30% chance).  We were one of the few families working with the agency who were willing to work with this condition.  Ultimately everyone involved dodged a bullet when the birthmother was found to not suffer from this, and by then the birthmother had selected us to place the baby with us (if we agreed).  We had not yet decided, but as soon as the medical situation was cleared up we said yes.

The baby was a boy who was in the hospital for two weeks after birth with breathing difficulties from aspiration pneumonia (ie; non-bacterial pneumonia caused by chemical exposure to various body secretions during birth).  He was placed with us on July 31, and we named him Devon.

The 31st was a Friday, and on Monday we took him to his first pediatric visit.  The doctor noticed his breathing was highly elevated, and not having access to his original medical records sent us immediately to the emergency room.  He was admitted for 48 hours at that point so they could conduct their own tests on him.  By the time he was released on August 5th his breathing had calmed down some.  They were still not pleased with how fast he was breathing, but it had moved from the “red zone” to the “yellow zone” and they had eliminated all of the major causes.  Apparently it was just residual breathing issues from the aspiration pneumonia.  As such, they were comfortable monitoring him on an outpatient basis.

There was one additional complicating factor.  Devon’s birthmother was unable to care for him because of an ongoing… well, let’s just say “set of issues”.  She has an aunt though who would sit with Devon in the hospital for his initial two weeks.  During that time she grew attached to him, and eventually decided she wanted to care for him herself.

Things got legally messy at this point.  The birthmother had signed over custody of the child to the adoption agency to be adopted out, although she had not signed the papers irrevocably surrendering him.  Legally, she had six months to revoke the adoption agreement.  She would not be able to take custody of the baby though. The Division of Youth and Family Services in New Jersey had ruled she was an unfit mother and should the adoption agreement be revoked, ordered that the adoption agency had the baby over to them, not to the birthmother or and of her family members.  If either the birthmother or the aunt wanted custody of the baby, they’d have to take it up with them (quite possibly in a court of law).

The birthmother had no interest in parenting the baby, but the aunt did.  She made several attempts to gain custody of Devon by visiting the local courthouse with the birthmother (but without a lawyer or any legal papers).  Eventually she hired a lawyer that made calls to DYFS and the adoption agency, after which she dropped her case.  We could easily have been removed from the situation if the birthmother revoked the adoption agreement, but she’d still have problems convincing DYFS to give her the baby.  Eventually she decided to let go of the situation.  I am sure it was one of the most difficult decisions she ever had to make.

That’s why I never returned to the blog.  I didn’t want to write anything that could possibly affect the unfolding drama. It left you all hanging, but I consoled myself knowing that my close friends and family knew the truth of what was going on.

Anyway, on April 13th the adoption was finalized.  We appeared before a judge who ordered that the birthparents’ rights be terminated, the old birth certificate be sealed, and a new birth certificate be issued in Jeff and my names.  It took months for the birth certificate to arrive, but now we have it and we are officially his parents.

Here’s are his pictures by the way.  Ain’t he cute?

(Devon having his first diaper change from Jeff)

(Devon, age nine months)

Our friends, families, and co-workers overwhelmed us with gifts, kind word, and helpful advice.  Jeff and my families were especially supportive, and both our families made a point of making long journeys to our home to meet the latest addition.

Devon is now one day away from his first birthday.  We’re going to bake a cake tomorrow and do fun things.  We had an early celebration last week with Jeff’s family in Iowa, but we’ll do something for the three of us.

All in all, we are happy.  Devon is a tremendous amount of work, but he is so so so so so worth it.  We are happier than we have ever been before.  Every day is a new adventure, and although some days are better than others the whole journey is as rewarding as I hoped it would be.

At this point I’ll sign off.  I had intended to write about my adoption journey on this blog.  It didn’t quite come to pass that way.  And with how public blogs are, I suppose it’s just as well.  This blog will be online for another week or two, after which it’ll go down.  I really don’t want this interfering with Devon’s privacy over the years, or causing more problems for our agency, or irritating the birthmother or aunt should they ever find the blog, or anything else.

It’s been an enjoyable journey with you all.  Thanks for sharing it with us.

–Stephen, Jeff, and Devon

Major adoption news going on right now.  I can’t discuss some of the details out of privacy for the birthmother, but here’s what I can say about what’s going on.

1 - We got a call last Thursday regarding an adoption situation.  It was very specialized due to some medical concerns and did not fit anyone’s “key” within the agency.  Of the four families that were close matches, Jeff and I were the closest and had been waiting the longest so we got the call.

2 - I prefer not to disclose the medical issues, but I can say that the baby is full African-American and the birthmother is 28 years old.  She has dealt with some personal problems in the past few years and is unable to parent her child at this time.

3 - It took us several days to obtain enough information regarding the situation to make an informed decision.  On Sunday night we gave a tentative “yes” to the agency provided three questions were answered to our satisfaction.

4 - The questions were answered satisfactorily yesterday afternoon.  However, the birthmother failed to show up at the meeting to irrevocably surrender her parental rights.  She was found later but was in a mental state where she was unable to sign the paperwork.

5 - At this point in time we are waiting to here from the agency.  We’ll know a lot more later today.  (That’s been the mantra we’ve been saying every day since Thursday.)  Meanwhile we’re keeping our fingers crossed.  I may have a baby on my lap in 48 hours, or this whole thing may have fallen apart.

So that’s where we’re at.  I’m hopeful, but very wary at the same time.  Jeff and I are thinking of seeing the new Harry Potter movie this evening just to get our mind off of all this.

Another week, another phone call.  That’s one of the nice things about having been in the program for a while.  The staff begins to think of you as a semi-priority for being considered for situations and always tries to take a second glance at your file, even if there might be otherwise “enough” profiles to show a potential birthmother.

The latest situation involved a thirty-something birthmother with a longstanding drug problem.  She learned she was pregnant last last year and entered a treatment program several months later (as pregnant heroin addicts can harm the baby if they stop “cold turkey”).  She had been using methadone since partway into her pregnancy, and had used cocaine “a couple of times” since that time.  She had not used alcohol during her pregnancy.

Knowing her drug program made parenting unrealistic, she was creating an adoption plan.  Our profile didn’t quite fit her situation but was close, hence why our social worker called.  The agency only had one exact match to show her and wanted to find some others so she would have a choice.

Jeff and I did a little research into the effects of heroin on an unborn child.  It can have some effects, but the primary one is that it can cause premature birth and all the problems therein.  She was about a month from her due date anyway so we figured the worst danger had passed so we agreed to be considered.

Seven profiles were shown to the mother.  She did not choose ours, as she elected to go with a family with several adopted children.  She said she liked the idea of her child having a big family.  That’s not something we can offer.

So she chose another family.  We weren’t too disappointed.  It’ll happen when it happens.

As I said before, after several months with no news we’ve had a bit of excitement this week.  The latest was a phone call this morning from Terry concerning a “situation”.  (When our agency says situation, they mean a case that is just outside of our key, but close enough they want to ask if we want to be shown.  Sometimes the circumstances of the situation are such that it doesn’t match anyone’s key.  Other times it doesn’t match many keys and they want a few additional profiles to show to the birthmother).

According to Terry, this concerns a young birthmother.  Her due date for the baby is next week sometime.  The birthfather hasn’t been interviewed by the agency, so they don’t know his medical and drug histories (not that it’s a particular issue to us — like many keys, ours is more restrictive on the birthmother because of the increased danger to the baby).  He is aware of the adoption though and is in support of the adoption plan.

Terry said that the birthmother has no mental health issues and no drug or alcohol use during the pregnancy, so the baby will likely be healthy.  The baby will be 1/2 Puerto Rican, 1/4 African-American, 1/4 central European.  The sex of the baby was not disclosed (and we forgot to ask.  It’s considered somewhat awkward for us to inquire about the sex, as our program doesn’t allow us to restrict our key to one sex or the other).

Now remember, our adoption agency has two programs — one is African American and mixed race children.  The other is Caucasian, Latino, and Asian (CLA).  There is a different fee structure for each program, with the Caucasian program being more expensive as the AA-mixed race program is partially subsidized.  We had elected to participate in the Caucasian program only (well, any race in the CLA program) because we were concerned about the lack of racial diversity in our community.

So we had to be called because this child is 1/4 African-American and technically outside of our key.  We weren’t as concerned about this situation though, and believe we will be able to give this child the additional support he or she may require in life.

We’re guessing that a lot of people will elect to be considered for this baby, so we probably won’t be chosen.  You never know though.  The birthmother will be shown the profiles tomorrow (ack, today! it’s after midnight!) so she’ll probably decide the same day.  If not, almost certainly by Wednesday.  So if we don’t get a call by Wednesday evening then I can’t imagine this will come to anything for us.

Either way, I wanted to keep you apprised.  I’ll post an update if the birthmother chooses us.

Update (16 hours later): Got an e-mail from our social worker.  The birthmother has narrowed her choices to three families and we are not among them.  Perhaps we’ll have better luck next time.

The vast majority of comments I receive on this website are spam comments (”buy Viagra!  Click on this link”).  Some are messages of encouragement from other parents and prospective parents.  But about a week ago we received a few unusual replies from a woman in Florida.  She wrote in short cryptic language that she wanted to discuss placing a baby.

I wrote her at her e-mail address and we exchanged a few notes over the next few days.  The pregnancy turned out to be a friend of hers.  A woman who has two children and was “totally unattached” to this pregnancy.  She was about to be evicted, didn’t have a car, and was looking for someone who could provide immediate support.  She specifically wanted a gay male couple to raise her child.

Now I know that there are con artists on the web who prey upon prospective parents.  They try to get them to send funds using all sorts of excuses.  I had no way of knowing whether this was real or a scam, so I engaged in the conversation with two rules.  #1:  Not to send any money.  Period.  #2: Any adoption must be cleared by our agency, who would do the screening to make sure everything was in order.

Well, rule #2 turned out to be too much for my contact.  She said that the woman was in a “real jam” and needed “immediate help, not more bureaucracy.”  They had no interest working with an agency, so it wasn’t going to work.

Even if it wasn’t a scam (and in retrospect I’m pretty sure it was), the adoption probably wouldn’t have worked.  They were in Florida and Florida has a strict ban on gay people adopting.  If you’re gay, you can’t adopt — period.  I had been carbon copy’ing Terry, my social worker, the entire conversation.  Terry said the only way the agency would get involved in a gay adoption from Florida would be if the mother came to New Jersey and had the baby here.  Since she had two kids, no car, and was broke and virtually homeless, that wasn’t likely to happen.

And so an interesting conversation came to an end. Nothing happened and I didn’t think anything would come of it, but it was an interesting little nibble.

(FYI, for privacy reasons I don’t normally post the states that the birthmothers are located within, but made an exception in this case as Florida’s law is so specific to this story. It’s a big state and I didn’t mention a city so I believe privacy is still maintained.)

I haven’t written in a few months because there hasn’t been anything to report.  At least until this week.  A bit of excitement going on.

First up, I met our new social worker a few nights ago at a “waiting families support group”.  There were nine people there — two social workers, three couples, and myself.  Jeff works until 7 so he wasn’t able to make it to the meeting.

Our new social worker, Terry, is older than our last one, Lauren.  She has been with the agency longer and really knows her stuff.  Admitted, we were pretty impressed about Lauren as well.

Terry surprised me when she said that the number of adoptive parents is approximately the same as it was when we joined the agency.  With the agency’s difficult obtaining its Hague accreditation for international adoptions I’d have thought that domestic adoptions would be way up.  Especially with the economy as it is.  And so adoptions are up, but only in terms of the number of children being placed, but not the number of parents in the program.

She also said that the number of non-traditional situations is up as well.  Sibling groups, for example, or children less than a year old that aren’t newborns.  Some parents are attempting to raise their children and discovering it’s just more than they can financially afford.  So they are turning to adoption when the baby is 6-8-10 months old.

We learned that the agency will be redoing the “key” form that we filled out regarding what situations for which we want to be considered.  We will be getting a new key in a month or two.  We’ll redo our profile letter at that time.  So if we don’t have a kid by then we’ll have a bit more news to report.

Another bit of excitement to report.

The day before Thanksgiving we got a phone call from our agency around 10am with a possible emergency placement.  Here’s the scoop:

A white woman had given birth the day before to a boy.  Six pounds, two ounces if I recall correctly.  Unfortunately, the mother was a long time methadone user.  (Methadone being what they treat heroin addiction with).  Furthermore, the baby had tested positive for Xanax in his system.

The mother, according to the agency, had two children in foster care in her state.  She was also refusing the name the birthfather out of concern for her safety, so she would need to pick birthparents in the state of New Jersey.  (Quick lesson: When an adoption is taking place, the birthmother can use the laws of her state or the laws of the state with the adoptive parents.  New Jersey has very progressive laws regarding not naming the birthfather, hence why she would need parents from this state).

Unfortunately, the baby was showing signs of addiction — fussiness and restlessness.  So that morning the hospital had put morphine in his morning formula.  As a result he was sleeping well.  (If you put morphine in my morning formula I’d probably sleep well too!).  There was no official statement from the doctors, but nurses with experience in this kind of issue said he would be in the hospital for at least a week.

Getting off the phone with the agency, I called my brother-in-law who is a doctor in Ohio.  As it turns out, my sister was having trouble with her pregnancy and they were in the emergency room of his hospital.  So after speaking with him he was able to talk to several specialists about possible side effects of prenatal exposure to Methadone and Xanax.

Here’s what I learned.

Methadone is associated with low birth weight.  Some anecdotal reports said that the children suffered some mental developmental issues, although that could be as much a product of their environment as the drugs.   Generally speaking methadone babies were born addicted but did not suffer long-term problems.  Xanax, on the other hand, was associated with a cleft palate when the baby was exposed to the drug in the first trimester.  Fortunately the baby did not have a cleft palate.  One or the other drug (I don’t remember which) was also associated with respiratory issues, but the baby didn’t appear to have those either.

So I called Jeff and we talked about the issue.  We decided to go ahead and put our name into consideration.

We never received a call back from the agency though so we were obviously not picked.  Sad, but our time will come.  Either way, it was a bit of excitement that I wanted to report to y’all.

Jeff and I heard from our adoption agency today.  Seems they’re closing our local office.  Our social worker will be losing her job after a “period of time” in which she will be working as a “consultant”.  We take that to mean she’ll be doing two things.  First, she’ll be continuing to work with the birth mothers most of whom would otherwise up and leave the agency.  Second she’ll do the home visits, in which she’ll visit the homes of the prospective (or completed) adoptive parents (thus saving someone in South Jersey from making a long trip).  They’ll probably keep her on the payroll until the birth mothers give birth, at which time she’s out of there.

We’re rather bummed about this, and not just because we feel bad for our social worker.  We like our agency, but would not have joined with them if we had to do a ton of driving to the south Jersey office.  We’re lucky in that we’re done with the majority of our visits now. We may have to do a couple around the time the adoption is completed, but even then we’ll try to do some fast talking so they’ll Fedex our paperwork to us (and we’ll Fedex it back the next day).

Our agency is having a bad year, I think.  A new international treaty regarding international adoption has gone into effect, and all agencies which deal with it will need to be certified by… was it 2010?  If they’re not certified it becomes a criminal offense to offer international adoption services.  Our agency lost round one of getting their certification.  They’re in the midst of appealing and are confident they’ll get it, but at this point they don’t have it.  If they don’t have it in 2010, they’ll be able to finish some adoptions that have reached a certain stage, but otherwise they’ll have to shut down about 60% of their business.  In Jeff and my opinion we will see widescale office closings and staff layoffs at that point.  Many of the international parents will undoubtedly switch into the domestic program, thus glutting the number of prospective parents and causing further delays for us.  So we’ve got our fingers crossed they’ll get their certification problems worked out.

Just a little note to let you know that at the moment we’re on hold.  Jeff and I are taking a cruise at the end of August, so when the remainder of the money was put down at the end of June we temporarily had our file pulled so that we won’t be selected.  Once we return in mid-September we’ll go back into the list and await the big day.

Otherwise, no news to report.  No new calls or e-mails since my last update.  As soon as I have something to report I’ll post it here.

We received a promising little e-mail from our social worker two months ago.

Just figured you would like some good feedback since I got some today. One of the other offices had a website inquiry sent to them and they were interested in your profile and another couple from the website. It was just an initial inquiry, and the social workers have not met with her yet, so we don’t know if the situation is a match for your key, but I wanted to know the website is working, and there is interest in your profile. If we eventually get an application from this woman I will let you know!

So for two months I’ve been patiently waiting to here more on this lead.  She hasn’t written again though (on this subject).  So I wrote her an e-mail this evening asking if she had any follow-up information on the lead.  I doubt it’ll go anywhere, but one never knows.  I’ll let you know what I hear back.

Update: Our social worker got back to us fast.  Here’s her response:

The birth mother never responded to our contact. A placement from this inquiry never occurred. However, the positive piece is that you got some good feedback from a potential birth parent.

So nothing for us there.  Oh well, was worth looking into. 

I’ll let y’all know when there’s more to report.